2.06.2008

self portrait wednesday??

from me to you...


Late_night_me_feb2008


I've been having a rush of anxiety this week.  I'm having my first mammogram on Monday and the thought of all the picture taking, squishing & squashing is making me queasy.  I suppose it doesn't help that my sister passed away from breast cancer a year ago :(   ...crap, she was so young...and she left behind her hubby, son and young daughter.  Makes me a bit sick to my stomach when I think about it too much.  It's downright nasty and I miss her. 


I suppose it is a good thing to get checked out and make sure all is well on the breast front.   But for me, now that I know someone so closely related that has been diagnosed and who had such a horrific outcome, I just don't want to think about it  I just don't want to dwell on it.  It's a nagging thought that pervades my mind more times than I care to admit.   Oh it is getting better now that time has passed, but still life never does seem to be the same when loved ones leave us.  That's the bugger of it all. 


I know enough to know that life isn't all bad.  I am the youngest of 13 kids, 9 gals and 4 guys and my sister was the only one to have the bc diagnosis.  So statistically speaking we are doing pretty good considering the number of females in our family.  My mum is really healthy at 76 and my dad lived to a pretty good age (74 years).  But the reality of being the youngest weighs heavy on me at times.  Just over a week ago we buried one of my sister's husbands.  I keep thinking about how many people I'm going to have to say goodbye to in my lifetime.   It's overwhelming and at times, to cope, I find myself distancing myself from the ones I love.  Not a stellar coping mechanism I admit, but a reminder of my own humanity. 


I really didn't intend to put all this in print and though I would normally hit the delete button I think it might be good to just get this out there.  This is a big part of me and my little world lately.  Probably explains the ol' creative funk I've been in.  Probably explains a whole lot more than I've been saying. 


If you think about it can you send me some good vibes and prayers, I don't mind the method.  I know this anxiety will pass and I will get a fresh perspective soon enough but for now your virtual support is appreciated. 

7 comments:

  1. I think you're brave for getting out there and having the mamogram, period. You have every right to be anxious about it, I think anybody would! Good thoughts are definitely sent your way.

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  2. Oh wow ... such true thoughts and real fears. My thoughts and prayers will be with you, dear girl.

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  3. It is something you get on the other side of and then you can tuck it away for another year or more. I wish you the best. oh, and don't distance...embrace. A better use of time all around.

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  4. Prayers, good wishes, hugs, and take whatever else you need. I am the youngest of five, and only three of us are left. Sometimes I have trouble answering "How many brothers and sisters do you have?" because I can't leave out the ones who are gone, yet someone casually inquiring isn't looking for the long answer, you know?
    I predict that you will feel much better after getting a clean bill of health from the mammogram. It is completely understandable why you are nervous about it, so don't feel bad about feeling bad--you are just being human.

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  5. Prayers, good wishes, hugs, and take whatever else you need. I am the youngest of five, and only three of us are left. Sometimes I have trouble answering "How many brothers and sisters do you have?" because I can't leave out the ones who are gone, yet someone casually inquiring isn't looking for the long answer, you know?
    I predict that you will feel much better after getting a clean bill of health from the mammogram. It is completely understandable why you are nervous about it, so don't feel bad about feeling bad--you are just being human.

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  6. You are doing the right thing by getting tested on a regular basis. I'm not sure how we cope with the death of loved ones - to tie it up in a neat little box and stow it away down in one's subconscious. It's okay to hate what happens to the one's we love.
    I'll also be adding my thoughts and prayers for Monday with the folks who have commented already.

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  7. I missed this post and I'm sorry I did but glad I've caught up. So much to comment on here. First of all, good for you for taking care of business. It's all we can do, isn't it? I'm so sorry to hear of your losses, and can empathize with your pain and temptation to "distance" yourself. I've never personally reconciled myself with the brutal fact that death is an inevitable part of life. Sure, I appreciate the seasons and the cycles of life and death in nature, but as far as the idea of losing a person, I just keep on going with my head in the sand most of the time. Mind you, I do try to cherish every day with that knowledge wedged somewhere in my daily subconcious...
    Oh, and WOW, thirteen?! You must have some amazing 'growing up' stories! I'd love to hear whatever you're willing to share, large families totally inspire and intrigue me.
    Thank you for sharing this bit of your personal life with us, I'm glad you didn't hit "delete".

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